k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
