I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
we're so committed to being not committed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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