Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
