i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
