Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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