wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
