you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
