You can't motorboat a personality
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
