I hate your face
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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