I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
