i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
