the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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