saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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