Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
