remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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