His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
