Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
