I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
