i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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