i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
