if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
