glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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