You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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