I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
