before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
