I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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