so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
