you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Even the bartender felt bad for me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
