I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
