he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
