Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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