May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
