I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
