Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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