YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
