He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
