Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
