Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
