Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
