I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
