come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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