I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
