I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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