am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
