my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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