A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
