i don't like sucking hair
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
