I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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