Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
