I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
