matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
