I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
