Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
