We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
