I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
