I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
