barbara walters just said penis...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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