ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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